[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My dress code is business-casualty.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.