Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.