Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

I love you…

…r dog.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.