Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.