[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead