Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

This is sending me to another galaxy

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers