[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Not even remotely sorry.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid