Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.