Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!