Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?