Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.