[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse