[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Wednesday
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Mornin
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry