Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

October already? What’s next? November????

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car