Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.