Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
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This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Would you wear it?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.