Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.