Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
You Might Also Like
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)