Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank