Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
You Might Also Like
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated