Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I’m not sorry.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”