Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

channeling her this year

There is no “we” in chocolate.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.