Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Ooh I do like a good funnel

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣