Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The days of good grammer has went
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
and now we wait
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.