Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Good morning y’all ☀️

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Think I pulled my liver

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

🧠

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.