Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

me to God

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.