Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*