Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

*offers Batman cough drops*

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Care for your back

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.