Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen