DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
step 6: release the wall snake
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?