Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.


Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”

Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”


I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25


I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss