@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

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@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@bwebster76

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”

Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”

@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

@alexmeyerrr

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss