Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh