Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

this is so top tier i cant

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”