debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.