Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking