Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
*puts my mental health in rice
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: