Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡