Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.