Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.