Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.