Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner