dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Happy Taco Tuesday
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.