Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

i’m so sick of this guy

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

#inspiration #foodforthought

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.