Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

The pasta is now

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.