Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame