Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

when a toddler tells a story

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Happens to everyone.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”