Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
do horses think humans are hats
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose