Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

All set.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.