My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan