Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The honesty is refreshing
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.