Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
oh you wanna fight?!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from