Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

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Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.


Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘



The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.


{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?


Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!


No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.


For animals with an “amazing sense of smell” dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing “Whoops, these are turds”


love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue


Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago