Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.