Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
go easy on yourself <3
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
🤣
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’