R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB