Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
put ‘er there pardner!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
mood
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁