Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Rather alarming headline…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard