Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
They did not think through this water fountain
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
#SuperBowl
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner