Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*