Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*names my little horse OneTrick*

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Not recommended for beginners.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!