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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.