December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣