December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*