When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty