Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

With a text.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.