Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.