Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

This guy’s not having it 😆

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?