[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.