Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

They’re not wrong

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

i’m so sick of this guy

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.