Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.