December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them