Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

We need more people like this.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

When can I start eating bats again.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house