Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog