Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Omg 🤣
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
*weighs self after shaving
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!