Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Me :
All Day At Night
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car